Bagahe - Kabanata 2

Huli naming sinundo si Jemma. Sa Scout Barrio kasi siya nakatira, malapit lang. Halos isang oras din kami naghintay kasi nung dumating kami sa bahay nila, nagtitiklop palang siya ng mga dadalhin damit. Sadyang mabagal kumilos si Jemma. Ni minsan kasi sa buhay niya hindi siya natutong magmadali. Magaling sa time management, ika nga. Pero ngayon, sobrang palpak ang management nya na dapat sesantihin na niya ang kung sinong nagplano ng araw niya. Si Jemma ang nililigawan ni ulo, kaya siguro kanina pa siya nagmamadali habang nasa bahay pa kami. Gustong magpa-pogi point pag siya ang magbubuhat ng bag ni Jemma. Ah ewan. Gusto rin naman ni Jemma si Ulo. Medyo nagpapakipot lang dahil ayaw naman niyang may masabi ang barkada na niligawan lang siya ni Ulo nang malaman nito na may gusto siya sa kanya.

“Isang tao naman dito sa harap. Ayoko magmukhang driver…”, reklamo ko nang sa likod silang umupo. Wala kasing umupo sa harap. Mukhang may nakareserba, sabi nila.

“Driver ka naman talaga a…”, pangiting asar ni Jemma.

“Palakarin ko kaya kayong dalawa?”, ganti ko.

Isang oras na ang nakalipas. Alas-diyes kasi ang usapan. Alas onse na nang dumating kami. Pero nang makita nilang kasama namin si Jemma, walang nagreklamo. Naintindihan nila. Nandoon na lahat ng tao. Kami na lang pala ang hinihintay. Pagkatapos namin pagusapan ang rota, tumuloy na kami sa biyahe. Mauuna si Joel dahil taga-Ilocos siya. Alam niya ang papunta doon. Susunod sina Alex sa kotse, mahuhuli kami. Pakiramdaman nalang, kanya-kanya muna kami pero pag nakarating kami sa La Union, maghihintayan muna para walang mawala. Gabi kasi, mas madaling mawala sa biyahe kapag gabi.

Halos dalawang oras na kaming nasa biyahe. Di parin napuputol ang convoy. Kulang nalang lobo at bandila, para na kaming pagpo-promote ng artista. Magaalas-dos na ng madaling araw. Medyo pagod na ako sa pagmamaneho. Medyo inaantok, medyo nababato. Ito kasi ang hirap pag ikaw ang driver. Hindi ka pwedeng matulog. Sinilip ko sina Ulo sa rearview mirror. Tulog ang kumag. Nakasandal pa sa kanya si Jemma. Sa ganitong lagay e hinding-hindi papayag yun na palitan ako. Napasarap ang posisyon e. Nakasandal si Jemma sa kaliwang balikat ni Ulo. Nakapatong naman ang kaliwang braso ni Ulo sa kanang tuhod ni Jemma. Hindi ako makatingin ng diretso. Masakit. Nakakainggit. Naalala ko nung ako yung nasa ganoong klaseng posisyon. Nagmamaneho ako habang nakasandal siya sa balikat ko. Magkahawak ang kanang kamay ko at ang kaliwang kamay niya. Habang minamaniobra ko ang kotse, kinukuwentuhan niya ako sa mga pangarap niya… ang mga pangarap niyang kasama ako. Ang mga pangarap niya na kanyang binuo sa pagpaplano naming dalawa. Pagkatapos niya ng kolehiyo, magbo-board exam siya. Pagkapasa niya ay magtatrabaho na rin para makatulong sa pamilya. Pero sa Baguio siya magtatrabaho para hindi kami magkakalayo. Ako naman ay mag-aaral ng Law. Pagkatapos ko, magrereview ako sa Manila para sa Bar exam. Hindi siya makakasama dahil sa trabaho niya, pero hihintayin niya ako. Sa anniversary namin, bababa siya ng Manila. Mamamasyal kami sa Laguna, doon sa bayan ng nanay niya. May bahay sila doon at doon kami magpapalipas ng gabi. Pagkatapos ay ihahatid ko siya sa Pasay pauwi ng Baguio. Bago siya sumakas ng bus ay yayakapin ko siya ng ilang oras, at kapag oras na niya para umalis, hahalikan niya ako sa labi… isang halik… matagal… matamis… isang halik na parang nagsasabing umuwi na ako sa Baguio nang makasama niya ako. Pero hindi puwede. Kailangan kong tapusin ito… para rin sa kinabukasan namin. Pagkatapos ng aming kuwentuhan, magtatawanan kami. Titigil ng saglit sa Starbucks sa North Expressway at magmemeryenda, magpapahinga sa ilalim ng sikat ng buwan.

Magpapahinga.

Habang hawak ko ang kanyang kamay.

Habang nakasandal siya sa akin.

Habang inaakbayan ko siya.

“Magsalita ka naman diyan…”

Nagulat ako sa nagsabi noon. Napabalikwas ako at nalipat sa kabilang lane ang sasakyan. May parating na traysikel. Bumusina ito ng malakas at pilit na umiwas sa akin.

Patay.

Inapakan ko ng buong lakas ang preno. Nasa sitenta ang takbo ko, nasa kuwanta ang kambyo. Nang makuha ko ulit ang maniobra ng sasakyan, buong ingat ko itong ibinalik sa kanang daanan ng kalsada. Bumusina ako ng isang beses bilang paumanhin sa dumaang traysikel. Biglang nagring ang cellphone ko.

“Hello… pare…”

“Ano nangyari? Ayos lang ba kayo?”

Si Jess ang tumatawag. Siya ang boyfriend ni Alex. Mukhang nagulat nang mapansin na nawalan ako ng control sa sasakyan.

“Ayos lang bro. Nagulat lang ako kay Aja.”

“Ok bro. Stopover muna tayo. Inaantok na ata tayo lahat, nagrereklamo na rin si Joel. Tulog si Alex, di siya pwede magdrive. Tatawagan ko nalang si Joel, kita-kita nalang tayo sa susunod na gas station.”

“Ok bro. sige kita-kita nalang. Text mo ako pag nandoon na kayo.”

Nagkusot ako ng mata. Nang lumingon ako sa kanan ko, nakita ko si Aja. Medyo seryoso ang mukha, halatang na-guilty dahil sa kanya ako nagulat. Katabi ko nga pala si Aja. Hindi ko siya napansing umupo sa passenger seat nang umalis kami ng Baguio.

Tulog na tulog parin ang ibang mga pasahero namin. Sadyang ang mga ito, mantika kung matulog.

“I’m sorry…”

“Ok lang yun Aja… medyo inaantok na kasi ako… pasensya ka na muntik na tayo madisgrasya…”

Napangiti naman si Aja dahil hindi ako nagalit. Isang matamis na ngiti ang ipinamalas niya, kasama ng kanyang maririkit na mata. Si Aja. Amelia Joanna Angelica Paraiso Rovales. AJA ang initials kaya naging Aja ang palayaw niya. Underclass ko siya sa Law. Maganda si Aja. Pilipinang-pilipina ang ganda. Morena, matangos ang ilong at hugis puso ang mukha. Wala rin ikakahiya ang katawan nito. 4th dan black belt ito sa Karate kaya sadyang may hubog ang katawan niya. Pero kahit ganoon, kikay parin. Babaeng-babae parin siya. Mas bata sa akin ng dalawang taon si Aja. Beinte palang siya. Maaga kasi nag-aral kaya maaga rin natapos. Second year na ako sa law nang nag-enroll siya. Nagkakilala lang kami habang nagpapaphotocopy ako ng mga kaso sa SCRA. Nagpaturo kasi siya kung paano gamitin ang librong yun. Mula noon, naging magkaibigan kami. Laking gulat ko na lang nang malaman kong pinsan pala niya si Joel. Unti-unti na rin siyang napasama sa barkada.

Si Aja… siya sana ang papalit sa babaeng umiwan sa akin. Siya sana ang magpapawala ng sakit… ng lungkot… ng hinagpis. Pero hindi… hindi ko talaga makita si Aja na higit pa sa kaibigan. Kahit siguro naghihintay siya sa akin, hindi ko magawang baguhin ang pagtingin ko sa kanya.

“Oh… tahimik ka nanaman diyan. Katatapos lang ng quiz nyo sa Labor… siguro delikado ka doon ano?”, asar nito.

“Medyo.”

“Ouch… ang cold. Hey sorry na talaga kanina… I didn’t mean to startle you…”
“It’s okay, Aja. Really. I just… I just have some… things… stuff… on my mind, that’s all…”

“M’kay… hey… yung gas station. Ayun yung van ni kuya Joel…”

Lumiko ako sa gas station. Pinatay ko ang cd player at pinagising ko kay Aja ang mga kasama namin.
“Meryenda muna tao guys. Ulo, gising, tama na yan. Isusumbong na kita sa tatay mo. Hehehe.”, biro ko para mawala ang tension na namagitan sa amin ni Aja.

Bagahe - Kabanata 1

Wala na siya.

Isang taon na rin ang nakalipas. Wala na siya.

Ang babaeng lagi kong kasama… ang kamay na lagi kong hawak… isa na lamang malamig na alaala. Ang dating masasaya at maaliwalas na mga araw na aming pinagsamahan… lahat nawala… kasabay niyang nawala. Kasama niyang tinangay ng hangin ang mga masasayang alaala, ang mga pantig ng dibdib habang kami’y magkasama… ang bawat matatamis na halik na aming pinagsaluhan… kasama niyang nawala. Kasama niyang naglaho. Kasama niyang pumanaw.

Ilang buwan ko ipinagluksa ang kanyang pagkawala. Naroon ako’t umiiyak habang naglalakad… habang nakahiga… habang ibinubuklat ang mga pahina ng aming nakaraan na pawang mga maiikling recuerdos de beso na dumadampi sa aking masakit na kaluluwa.

Wala na siya.

“Pare, ang niluluto mo!”

Bigla kong nahulog ang siyanseng hawak ko nang sigawan ako ng aking kasamang si Paulo. “Ulo” kung tawagin ng barkada. May pagkalaki kasi ang ulo nito. Hindi kasabihan, totoong may pagkalaki ang hugis ng ulo niya. Nandito siya sa bahay para tulungan akong maghanda ng dadalhing pagkain para sa biyahe. Magkikita-kita kami ng barkada sa Main Gate ng SLU sa loob ng dalawang oras. Pupunta kaming Pagudpod ng dalawang araw. Intramurals kasi bukas, walang pasok. Nagkataong nagkayayaan kami ng barkada kaya’t eto ako. Dahil sa ako ang marunong magluto, ako ang naatasang maghanda ng pangmeryenda namin sa biyahe. Alas-otso na ng gabi. Magna-night trip kami, katatapos lang kasi ng mga klase namin.

“Sorry ‘tol… medyo na-tostado lang naman e. Masarap parin kung lalagy—“

“Sari-sari kasi iniisip mo e…” singit niya. “Kung ako sa iyo, huwag mo siyang isipin. Pinahihirapan mo lang ang sarili mo.”

Masakit. Pero totoo. Alam kong totoo ang sinabi ni Ulo. Pinahihirapan ko lang ang sarili ko sa patuloy kong pagluluksa. Alam ko rin na medyo nagsasawa na ang barkada sa mga litanya ko. Pero dahil mga kaibigan ko sila, pinauunlakan naman nila ako at hindi nila ako pinababayaan sa tuwing nangangailangan ako ng sasandalan.

“Oo na, oo na. Baka bawiin mo pa yung sasakyan e…”

Beinte kaming magkakabarkada. Oo, dalawampu. Labindalawang babae, walong lalaki. Nagkasama-sama kami dahil sa videoke. Naroong palagi kaming nagkikita-kita sa Quantum sa SM pagkatapos ng mga exam, naglalabas ng sama ng loob. Mangilan-ngilang mga pagtatagpo namin, napagkasunduan na rin naming maging isang malaking barkada. Hindi kami basta-basta. Hindi lahat maaaring maging kasama sa barkada. May mga “initiation” kami. Hindi, hindi kami frat. Sadyang may mga bagay lang na nakakapagpatibay sa pagkakaibigan namin. Kung wala ito sa isang taong nais maging kasapi, magiging kaibigan namin siya. Kakampi. Kasama. Pero hindi kabarkada. Ano ang mga bagay na ito? Una, HIYA. Wala kaming hiyaan. Kaya naming magbihis nang sabay-sabay, lalaki man o babae, sa iisang kuwarto. Kaya naming matulog nang magkakatabi sa iisang kama. Wala kaming pakialam kung may magkatabing babae o lalaki. Ang hindi lang namin pinagtatabi ay ang mga magnobyo. May apat na magnobyo sa barkada. Nag-umpisa sa crush crush, napunta sa asaran at sutilan, hanggang sa mabigla nalang kami, magnobyo na sila. Hindi namin sila ipinagtatabing matulog. At lalong hindi namin sila pinababayaang mapag-isa sa isang kuwarto. Mahirap na baka may mangyaring hindi maganda. Masisira ang tiwala ng kanilang mga pamilya sa barkada. Pangalawa, PERA. Kung wala kang pakialam sa pera, pasok ka. Sa amin, walang utang-utang. Walang nakawan. Walang inggitan. Kung nangangailangan ang isa, maghahati-hati kami para mabigyan siya. Pero sa tamang gamit naman. Yun ang napagkasanayan namin. Walang damutan pagdating sa pera. Pangatlo, J-FACT, o ang tinatawag naming “JOLOGS FACTOR”. Bawal ang maarte. Bawal ang sosyalista. Bawal ang social climbers. Lahat pantay-pantay. Walang ulo, walang paa. Sabay-sabay. Patas ang tinginan. Pwedeng maging “kikay”, dahil apat sa amin ay sobrang kikay. Pag titingnan mo ang handbag nilang napakaliit, magtataka ka kung paano napagkasya ang cellphone, face powder, cologne, lotion, lip gloss, mascara, foundation, spare napkin (o tampon. Galing ‘Tate ang isang babae namin, si Alex… pero hindi ko na siya ikukuwento), hand towel, hand sanitizer, facial tissue, wet tissue, nail clipper, tweezer, lipstick, ID, ponytail, panyo at minsan, spare underwear (kung sakaling may impromptu sleepover). Ang “mahiwagang handbag” kung tawagin. At siya… ang babaeng nawala sa akin ng tuluyan… simple lang siya kung manamit. Hindi kikay, hindi rin burara. Malinis siya sa katawan. Hindi siya mahilig sa pabango… mayroon siyang likas na bangong nalalanghap tuwing niyayakap ko siya. Ang buhok niya’y likas na malambot at mabango. Ang kanyang balat at natural na makinis at maaliwalas. Hindi siya mahilig sa makeup. Kaya ko siya nagustuhan dahil simple lang siya…

Hindi kami magkakakaklase. Hindi rin pare-pareho ang mga kurso namin. May Engineering, may Law, may Medicine, may Accountancy, may Nursing. Siguro dahil lang sa tadhana ay nagkasama-sama kami. Dahil na rin siguro sa tadhana ay dalawampu kaming pupunta sa Pagudpod ngayong gabi. Tatlong sasakyan ang dala namin. Isang L-300 na sasakyan ni Joel, graduating sa Accountancy… cum laude, isang Corolla na kotse ng boyfriend ni Alex, at isang Revo, na sasakyan ng tatay ni Ulo. Ako ang magmamaneho, pero papalitan din ako ni Ulo kapag napagod ako. Sa akin ipinagkatiwala ng tatay niya ang sasakyan, student license lang kasi ang hawak ni Ulo… medyo garapal din ito sa kalsada kaya mas kampante ang loob ng tatay niya kung ako ang magmamaneho. Bukod sa non-pro ang lisensya ko, hindi pa ako nadidisgrasya kahit minsan. Dahil siguro sa maingat ako magmaneho… o natatakot lang ako madisgrasya.

SPLAK!

“Gising kumag!”, sigaw ni Ulo, nang saksakan niya ng isang piraso ng yelo ang loob ng jersey ko, “trenta minutos nalang aalis na tayo, marami pa tayong susunduin! Tama na yang muni-muni mo!”, patawang sambit ni Ulo.

Inilabas ko ang mga bag namin pati ang pagkain. Iniayos naman ito ni Ulo sa carrier sa bubong ng Revo. “Kung sana… sana kung… kasama sana siya sa lakad namin ngayon…”, malungkot kong naisip.

...itutuloy

LS Reg #009, Series of 2005

Love may be beautiful, Love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot
This describes everything you are not!!!

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!!!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up the rest of my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime .


-Author prefers anonymity, lest he be massacred by feminists worldwide.

Wait For Me

Darling did you know that I, I dream about you,
Waiting for the look in your eyes when we meet for the first time
And Darling did you know that I, I pray about you,
Praying that you will hold on
Keep your loving eyes only for me.

Because I am waiting for, praying for you, Darling
Wait for me too, wait for me as I wait for you
Because I am waiting for, praying for you, Darling
Wait for me too, wait for me as I wait for you.

Darling did you know I dream about life together
Knowing you will be forever.
I'll be yours and you'll be mine.
And Darling when I say, "till death do us part",
I'll mean it with all of my heart,
now and always faithful to you.


Now I know you may have made mistakes,
But there's forgiveness and a second chance.
So wait for me,
Darling wait for me, wait for me, wait for me.


Wait for me, Darling wait
Because im waiting for you,
Because im waiting for you
So wait for me,
Darling wait,
Wait for me.

rebecca st. james

the science of our solitude

Hope, which whispered from Pandora's box only after all the other plagues and sorrows had escaped, is the best and last of all things. Without it, there is only time. And time pushes at our backs like a centrifuge, forcing us outward and away, until it nudges us into oblivion. It's a law of motion, a fact of physics, no different from the stages of white dwarfs and red giants. Like all things in the universe, we are destined from birth to diverge. Time is simply the yardstick of our separation. If we are particles in a sea of distance, exploded from an original whole, then there is a science to our solitude. We are lonely in proportion to our years.

-the rule of four

LS Reg #008, Series of 2005

9PM.

I’ve been sitting here for 12hours.

I want to go home.

But not yet.

Not now.

Why am I here?

Why did I choose this?

Wait.

Come to think of it… I didn’t.

It was in the job description.

Oh well.

Don’t come out.

Don’t let me see you.

I only got one shot.

Please don’t come out.

I can’t miss.

I won’t miss.

So please… stay where you are.

No.

Don’t get up.

Don’t go to the window.

Don’t open that… damn it…

Please get out of my sight…

Please go somewhere I can’t see you.

Please don’t open the window.

Please.

Don’t look up.

Please don’t look at me.

Go away.

Go.

Away.

Why?

Why does it have to be like this?

Why do you have to be the enemy?

It's not fair...

Please.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

Please…


Goodbye...

I love you…

LS Reg #007, Series of 2005

“Gcng k p… üü?”

Di mo ineexpect ang text na yun. Magha-hatinggabi na. Nananahimik kang nanunuod ng TV sa sala nang biglang marinig mo ang “Master, I have mail for you…” na tone ng cellphone mo (tru-tones ‘to pre… hi-tech na cellphone).

Natigilan ka kasi unidentified yung number ng sender. “Sino kayang kumag ang mangi-inis ng ganitong oras?” naisip mo nang may halong inis at tuwa (dahil may nakaalala sa’yo). Idinial mo yung number. Narinig mo ang ringback nyang ubod ng baduy, sabay pindot ng end button. “Bumawi ka, leche ka…”, panakot mong inisip.

Nag-ring ang cellphone mo. Saglit lang. “1 Missed Call”, sabi sa screen mo. Nag-return call ka. Saglit din lang.

Bumawi siya. Sa asar mo siguro, nagpilitan kang gumastos ng piso sa text.

“Cno 2?!?”

“Ang sungit m nman… :-( “

Naalala mo yung araw kahapon. Nasa klase ka, 2nd period mo. Nakaupo ka lang at nagbabasa ng notes mo nang bigla siya dumating. Si Tin. Nakasuot siya ng damit na akala mong babagay lang sa mga mannequin na nakatayo sa mga tindahang nadadaanan mo sa SM. Nakalugay ang buhok niya, kumukumpas sa bawat galaw ng kanyang katawan. May hawak siyang pink na panyo sa kanyang marikit na kamay. Dumaan siya sa harapan mo at dumiretso sa kanyang upuan. Matapos ibaba ang kanyang mga dalang libro, tumuloy siya sa isang grupo ng mga babae at nakihalubilo sa mga ito. Narinig mo ang kanyang pagtawa. Parang isang matamis na sipol ng hanging dumadaloy sa mga dahon ng bulaklak sa hardin. Naisip mo… “Ang tunog ng pangalan ko sa mga labi niya…”, na malamang ay hinding hindi mo maririnig kahit kailan.

Natapos ang 2nd period at nakaupo ka parin habang pinagmamasdan ang kanyang likod… ang kanyang leeg… ang kanyang mga hikaw na parang mga mumunting diamanteng tumutulo sa tuwing ikaw ay umiiyak. Habang pinagmamasdan mo siya, parang napapaluha ka dahil sa mala-perpektong pagkagawa sa kanya ng Diyos. “Pinagpaguran ka siguro ng Lord…”, naisip mo.

Nag 2nd bell na. Tumayo siya’t umalis ng classroom para puntahan ang kanyang susunod na klase. Habang nakaupo ka, nakaramdam ka ng pagkahalong lungkot at pagkasabik… lungkot dahil wala na siya sa paningin mo, at pagkasabik dahil sa pag-asang makikita mo siya ulit kinabukasan. Napahinga ka ng malalim, tumayo at tumungo sa pinto. Nang mapatingin ka sa kanyang dating kinauupuan, may napansin ka. May naiwang panyo sa upuan. Ang kanyang panyong kulay pink na maayos na nakatiklop.

Hindi ka natuwa.

Hindi ka namangha.

Lumakas ang tibok ng puso mo.

Bumilis ang paghinga.

Lumingon ka sa lahat ng direksyon para makita kung may ibang nagmamay-ari ng panyong ito. Inabangan mong bumalik si Tin para knin ang naiwang panyo. Limang minuto ang lumipas…sampung minuto…walang Tin na bumalik.

Nanginginig ang iyong mga daliri nang pulutin mo ang panyo, at parang isang di namalayang galaw, iniangat mo ito at nilanghap ang amoy ng tela… “Si Tin nga… kay Tin nga ito….”.

“Anjan k p…?”

Biglang nalipat ang isip mo sa isang katatanggap na text galing sa parahong taong bumulabog sa’yo.

“Cno k? Ano kelangn m?”

“Nangungmsta lng…klala m ko, d m lng ako npapancn…”

“I nid names, nt details.”

“Bk kc mgalt k lng pg nlaman m kng cno tlg ako…”

“Bhla k.”

Medyo napipikon ka na sa kakulitan ng taong ito. Nawalan ka na ng ganang manuod ng TV kaya pinatay mo na ito at umakyat sa kuwarto mo. Humiga ka sa kama at nag-isip kung ano ang pwedeng gawin kinabukasan. “Buti nalang at walang pasok bukas…”, naisip mo habng unti-unting napipikit ang mata mo sa antok.

“Glit k b? m sowee :-( “

“Nakhumputsa naman,…”, naisumbat mo sa inis.

“Look, ano b kelangn m? Gbi n a!”

“I hav sumthin 2 ask… mlakng bgy ung hhlingin ko sau… jz tel me kng ayw m…il undrstnd…”

“Ano un?”

“Cn u mit with me 2mrw?”

“What?”

“Dnt wori, lyk I sed, klala m ko. I jz wnt 2 ttalk wth u abt sumthin…kng ayw m, k lng…”

Sa inis mo, naisip mong sakyang ang hinihingi ng taong ito. “Iindyanin ko nalang. Bakit, sino ba kasi siya?”, pagpaplanong isip mo.

“Fyn. Wer n when?”

“Lets mit at SM nlang, il w8 4 u at koffia, k lng…?”

“Very well.”

“And 1 mor thing…”

“Ano nnman un?”

“Pls bring my handkerchief… :-) “

LS Reg #006, Series of 2005

The Beach

Moon shines.
Stars fall.
Waves Crash.
The setting was perfect. The timing could not be better.
Yet inside my head a battle was raging. For what reason I don’t know, and for what purpose I can’t see.
Fire burns.
Music flows.
Water drizzles.
Nothing could spoil the beauty of the moment.
The moment.
The moment was exquisite. Emotion unfathomable. Beauty unquestionable.
There she walks on the sand, leaving footprints erased by the visiting surf.
There her hair flows with the wind.
What could not be better than this night?
Then again, what could be?
A deep breath, a wandering eye.
A surge of emotion burning mind and body.
She walks. She looks back.

“Pare…she’s waiting for you…”

“I know.”

I turn away.

Hottah! Hottah! Summer na!

oi! san tayo? tara people! kelan tayo magkikita-kita? miss ko na kayo as in! :)

The Choice

Max Lucado

“Why do I want to do bad?” my daughter asked me, unknowingly posing a question asked by many seekers of truth. “Why do I do the thing I hate? What is this ape that gibbers within?” or, perhaps a more basic question is being asked. “If sin separates me from God, why doesn’t God separate me from sin? Why doesn’t He remove me from the option to sin?”
To answer that, let’s go to the beginning.
Let’s go to the Garden and see the seed that both blessed and cursed. Lets see why God gave man…the choice.



Behind it all was the choice. A deliberate decision. An informed move. He didn’t have to do it. But He chose to. He knew the price. He saw the implications. He was aware of the consequences.
We don’t know when he decided to do it. We can’t know. Not just because we weren’t there. Because time was not there. When did not exixst. Nor did tomorrow or yesterday or next time. For there was no time.
We don’t know when He thought about making the choice. But we do know that He made it. He didn’t have to. He chose to.
He chose to create.
“In the beginning God created…”
With one decision, history began. Existence became measurable.
Out of nothing came light.
Out of light came day.
Then came sky…and earth.
And on this earth? A mighty hand went to work.
Canyons were carved. Oceans were dug. Mountains erupted out of flatlands. Stars were flung. A universe sparkled.
Our sun became just one of millions. Our galaxy became just one of thousands. Planets invisibly tethered to suns roared through space at breakneck speeds. Stars blazed with heat that could melt our planet in seconds.
The hand behind it was mighty. He is mighty.
And with this might, He created. As naturally as a bird sings and a fish swims, He created. Just as an artist can’t not paint and a runner can’t not run, He couldn’t not create. He was the Creator. Through and through, He was the Creator. A tireless dreamer and designer.
From the pallet of the Ageless Artist came inimitable splendors. Before there was a person to see it, His creation was pregnant with wonder. Flowers didn’t just grow, they blossomed. Chicks weren’t just born; they hatched. Salmons didn’t just swim; they leaped.
Mundaneness found no home in His universe.
He must have loved it. Creators relish creating. I’m sure His commands were delightful! “Hippo, you won’t walk…you’ll waddle!” “Hyena, a bark is too plain. Let me show you how to laugh!” “Look, raccoon, I’ve made you a mask!” “Come here, giraffe, let’s stretch that neck a bit.” And on and on He went. Giving the clouds their puff. Giving the oceans their blue. Giving the trees their sway. Giving the frogs their leap and croak. The mighty wed with the creative, and creation was born.
He was mighty. He was creative.
And He was love. Even greater than His might and deeper than His creativity was one all-consuming characteristic:
Love.
Water must be wet. A fire must be hot. You can’t take the wet out of water and still have water. You can’t take the heat out of fire and still have fire.
In the same way you can’t take the love out of this One who lived before time and still have Him exist. For He was…and is…Love.
Probe deep within Him. Explore every corner. Search every angle. Love is all you find. Go to the beginning of every decision He has made and you’ll find it. Go to the end of every story He has told and you’ll see it.
Love.
No bitterness. No evil. No cruelty. Just love. Flawless love. Passionate love. Vast and pure love. He is love.
As a result, an elephant has a trunk with which to drink. A kitten has a mother from which to nurse. A bird has a nest in which to sleep. The same God who was mighty enough to carve out the canyon is tender enough to put hair on the legs of the Matterhorn Fly to keep it warm. The same force that provides symmetry to the planets guides the baby kangaroo to its mother’s pouch before the mother knows it is born.
And because of who He was, He did what He did.
He created a paradise. A sinless sanctuary. A haven before fear. A home before there was a human dweller. No time. No death. No hurt. A gift built by God for His ultimate creation. And when He was through, He knew “it was very good.”
But it wasn’t enough. His greatest work hadn’t been completed. One final masterpiece was needed before He would stop.
Look to the canyons to see the Creator’s splendor. Touch the flowers and see His delicacy. Listen to the thunder and hear His power. But gaze on this—the zenith—and witness all three…and more.
Imagine with me what may have taken place on that day.



He placed one scoop of clay upon another until a form lay lifeless on the ground.
All of the Garden’s inhabitants paused to witness the event. Hawks hovered. Giraffes stretched. Trees bowed. Butterflies paused on petals and watched.
“You will love me, nature,” God said. “I made you that way. You will obey me, universe. For you were designed to do so. You will reflect my glory, skies, for that is how you were created. But this one will be like me. This one will be able to choose.”
Creation stood in silence and gazed upon the lifeless form.
An angel spoke, “But what if he…”
“What if he chooses not to love?” the Creator finished. “Come, I will show you.”
Unbound by today, God and the angel walked into the realm of tomorrow.
‘There, see the fruit of the seed of choice, both the sweet and the bitter.”
The angel gasped at what he saw. Spontaneous love. Voluntary devotion. Chosen tenderness. Never had he seen anything like these. He felt the love of the Adams. He heard the joy of Eve and her daughters. He saw the food and the burdens shared. He absorbed the kindness and marveled at the warmth.
“Heaven has never seen such beauty, my Lord. Truly, this is your greatest creation.”
“Ah, but you’ve only seen the sweet. Now witness the bitter.”
A stench enveloped the pair. The angel turned in horror and proclaimed, “What is it?”
The Creator spoke only one word: “Selfishness.”
The angel stood speechless as they passed through centuries of repugnance. Never had he seen such filth. Rotten hearts. Ruptured promises. Forgotten loyalties. Children of the creation wandering blindly in lonely labyrinths.
“This is the result of choice?” the angel asked.
“Yes.”
“They will forget you?”
“Yes.”
“They will reject you?”
“Yes.”
“They will never come back?”
“Some will. Most won’t.”
“What will it take to make them listen?”
The Creator walked on in time, further and further into the future, until He stood by a tree. A tree that would be fashioned into a cradle. Even then He could smell the hay that would surround Him.
With another step into the future, He paused before another tree. It stood alone, a stubborn ruler of a bald hill.
The trunk was thick, and the wood was strong. Soon it would be cut. Soon it would be trimmed. Soon it would be mounted on the stony brow of another hill. And soon He would be hung on it.
He felt the wood rub against a back He did not yet wear.
“Will you go down there?” the angel asked.
“I will.”
“Is there no other way?”
“There is not.”
“Wouldn’t it be easier to not plant the seed? Wouldn’t it be easier to not give the choice?”
“It would,” the Creator spoke slowly. “But to remove the choice is to remove the love.”
He looked around the hill and foresaw a scene. Three figures hung on three crosses. Arms spread. Heads fallen forward. They moaned with the wind.
Men clad in soldiers’ garb sat on the ground near the trio. They played games in the dirt and laughed.
Men clad in religion stood off to one side. They smiled. Arrogant, cocky. They had protected God, they thought, by killing this false one.
Women clad in sorrow huddled at the foot of the hill. Speechless. Faces tear streaked. Eyes downward. One put her arm around another and tried to lead her away. She wouldn’t leave. “I will stay,” she said softly. “I will stay.”
All heaven stood to fight. All nature rose to rescue. All eternity poised to protect. But the Creator gave no command.
“It must be done…,” He said, and withdrew.
But as He stepped back in time, He heard the cry that He would one day scream: ”My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?” he wrenched at tomorrow’s agony.
The angel spoke again. “It would be less painful…”
The Creator interrupted softly. “But it wouldn’t be love.”
They stepped into the Garden again. The Maker looked earnestly at the clay creation. A monsoon of love swelled up within Him. God’s form bent over the sculptured face and breathed. Dust stirred on the lips of the new one. The chest rose, cracking the red mud. The cheeks fleshened. A finger moved. And an eye opened.
But more incredible than the moving of the flesh was the stirring of the spirit. Those who could see the unseen gasped.
Perhaps it was the wind who said it first. Perhaps what the star saw that moment is what has made it blink ever since. Maybe it was left to an angel to whisper it:
“It looks like…it appears so much like…it is Him!”
The angel wasn’t speaking of the face, the features, or the body. He was looking inside—at the soul.
“It’s eternal!” gasped another.
Within the man, God had placed a divine seed. A seed of His self. The God of might had created earth’s mightiest. The Creator had created, not a creature, but another creator. And the One who had chosen to love had created one who could love in return.
Now it’s our choice.